Fat Duck the Gunslinger...

Attack of the plastic hand, Dragons fly this week, presents on the porch, a leaner blog…

Thanks so much for all the amazing support, and for following my blog these past few months. I apologize for the delay, but I have been going through a bit of a re-crafting of where and how my internet time is best spent for you. I’ve been seeking feedback on what you’d like to see more of (or less of) and the picture is getting a little clearer. We’re all busy, and many of you have indicated that you really enjoy updates about Fat Duck and stories about my personal life, and that you’d enjoy a regularly scheduled time for those. I’ve heard a lot of pros and cons about my news articles and about my reviews of other projects so, for the time being, we’re going to leave those behind or put them on some other forums. For the time being, I will be moving to a much quicker format for you all to read but with the ingredients that you want to know about most.

I’m pleased to say that Zachary Pill, The Dragon at Station End early release version is just around the corner. Focus House Publishing is telling me the ebook version might hit some sites as early as tomorrow. I spent nearly five years working side-by-side with Zachary Pill, the boy wizard who turns into a dragon, and I have to say I’m personally very excited for you all to see what I worked so hard on. It’s dark but fun and funny at the same time, and I believe it is the perfect launch for a long-running series. If you all enjoy it even a tenth as much as I enjoyed writing it, it will be well-received in the market. Please buy it fast and send all of your friends. The more sales we see, the better chance it will have of reaching some bestseller lists by Christmas. I need your help.

I have some special friends that I’d like to be sure to thank this week. Priscilla Burnette and Suzie at the Mistress of the Dark Path website have both been phenomenally supportive. If you’re not aware, you two ladies are at the top of my favorite people list. Unfortunately, I have the strangest feeling that neither of you intends to let me forget thatJ.

Tim’s first experience with gay people (no it’s not quite what you think): Until I was fifteen, I don't think I had ever personally met a gay person...at least not to my knowledge. But when I got my first job at a restaurant as a dishwasher, little did I know that it was populated almost entirely by gay employees. I was pretty much full-grown, 5'10" and about 160 pounds. Within the first hour I had worked there, I had been whistled at, complimented, and propositioned at least a dozen times by a dozen different men. All were smiling and friendly as they did it, but I was terrified. For someone who had never met a gay person to suddenly be the center of attention...well, it was almost beyond my ability to endure. For my first two weeks at that job, I had an actual cramp of fear in my stomach every time I went to work, and I remained terrified for however many hours it was before I had to leave. But, I've always been stubborn, and I refused to quit.

Sometime about two weeks after I began working there, I arrived at the restaurant tense as a spring (as always). I entered into a small employee coat room and was greeted by a gay waiter who immediate dropped to his knees at my crotch. He pointed at my large brass KISS (the band) belt buckle and said, "It does say 'kiss." Simultaneously, another gay man used a toy hand (you squeeze the handle and the toy hand at the end of a foot long shaft opens and closes) to grab my butt from behind.

I was like an exploding bomb. I grabbed the waiter in front of me by the shoulders and pitched him through a pair of double swinging doors as I bellowed, "I am not gay and never will be gay!"

Had I been fully in control, I wouldn't have done it...but my fear just sent me over the top. Fortunately I didn't hurt anyone, and for the rest of that night and week the entire crew of several dozen gay waiters, bus boys, etc... all came into the kitchen and apologized. "We were just having fun," they said, "and didn't realize you were so upset." They were so sincere that I believed them and immediately began to relax.

I worked there for maybe a year, and it got so that whenever anyone in the restaurant was having a party my girlfriend would be the only female there. It was a great experience, because I’ve since worked with dozens of gay people over the years, and they appreciate that I’m 100% comfortable and completely non-judgmental.  

Of course, we have to talk about Fat Duck this week. He continues to be an interesting and ever-changing character. This past week, he has been sneaking back onto the porch during the day and hiding under a table on my porch. Most of the time, I’ve caught him and have shooed him back down into the yard with the other ducks. One day, however, I got so busy with phone calls and projects that I forgot to check. Sure enough, my wife informed me that Fatty had apparently (judging from his many presents) spent the day on the porch. It was about 5pm and still a few hours to pen time, so I shooed him out into the yard. Unfortunately, this aggravated him a tad because by 9pm I realized Fatty was still sitting out on his hay bale in the dark. I went out to herd him in, but this time I got quite a bit of attitude. I crowded him, tapped him on the back, and even gently shoved him…but he refused to get down off the bale. It wasn’t until I actually pushed him right to the bale edge that he finally hopped down onto the ground and waddled back to the porch and up into his pen. The way he guzzled down several beakfuls of cold water, it was like watching a gunslinger swigging down a couple of shots in the saloon. There are days I’m happy Fat Duck doesn’t carry weaponsJ.